In the far away, in both distance and time, Kingdom of Oblivion, the sixteen-year-old Crown Prince Maximus had just been informed by his best friend the Crown Prince Minimus of Hypomnesia, who just happened to be sixteen as well, that he was being sent to the far-off Kingdom of Humdrum for two years of martial training. Maximus was heartbroken as he and Minimus had finally realized that they had feelings for each other and were preparing to act on those feelings. But no matter how much they begged their fathers, and they tried every trick in the book Minimus's father King Obstinato of Hypomnesia refused to bend. Actually, it wasn't that he refused to bend he claimed that he was unable to bend as he had made a contract with the King of Humdrum to send his first son there for the High King's mandatory military service for all Noble males of age. Maximus had a waiver for the required training because his youngest uncle Augustus had completed his two years and had made officer which took care of his family's obligation.

The hated day had arrived and there was lots of boo hooing and other non-manly remonstrances. The two princes finally pulled themselves together and began to act like the Crown Princes they were or close to it anyway. Minimus climbed into his family's Royal Carriage with a slight nod of his head to all of his well-wishers. His father King Obstinato had one final word for King Accomodato, Maximus's father. Don't forget old friend about our wedding deal. King Accomodato had no idea why his good friend Obstinato wanted to remind him of that now. The Royal Carriage pulled away on its fortnight-long trip to the Kingdom of Humdrum assuming good weather and no broken wheels or axels. That was also assuming the Queen and her maid didn't require frequent stops. Obstinato had optimistically planned on a fortnight and a half. The Kingdom of Oblivion was approximately five days closer to the Kingdom of Humdrum than the Kingdom of Hypomnesia which explains why they were leaving from Oblivion instead of Hypomnesia.

For the first couple of days, after Minimus left, Maximus sulked around and moped. He ate most of his meals in his rooms and only ate with his family when some high-ranking Noble showed up at the castle. Finally under the threat of being thrown into the moat if he didn't get out of the castle every day; Maximus started taking long aimless rides throughout the kingdom with only a stable boy and a few guards along for company.

Unknown to most folks the rides weren't aimless in nature; Maximus was revisiting all of his and Minimus' favourite places. He still took his meals in his rooms; things came to a head one day when Max's father observed his son's arms practice in the bailey. Maximus was barely going through the motions and a ten-year-old scullery boy in a blindfold could have beaten Maximus. The King was pondering the thought that it was almost two fortnights later and Maximus was still obsessing over his friend Minimus while quaffing a flagon of the castle's dark brown ale. The king kept muttering "Maximus, Minimus" over and over until he stumbled over "Minim" because he had taken a large quaff of what he thought was his dark brown ale and instead got a large mouthful of the far more potent Barley Wine. The King started to yell for the idiot that had mixed up his ale with the Barley Wine. However, before he could bellow for the poor serving boy's head he suddenly remembered the name he hadn't finished saying "Minimin". 'Ahah,' he thought 'Now I know what to.' Without thinking he blurted "Minima" and before anyone could respond to the king's outburst, he then bellowed, "Get me a scribe and get me my messenger now not TOMORROW!" He then took a much smaller quaff of the Barley Wine which just happened to be some of the best the castle ever produced. Once the potent liquid had slid its warming way down his throat the king resumed bellowing orders. "Get the cook, out here, someone take my son out and dunk him in the nearest horse trough until he's clean, then get him dressed in his court wear." By the time the King had 'calmly' finished issuing his orders the cook was impatiently standing tableside waiting for the King.  "Just a moment Peter, where is the Seneschal? Someone tell him to get here NOW if he wants to keep his head. Someone also inform the Queen we are having a banquet tonight." The poor Cook upon hearing the last let out a loud anguished sigh and began quivering in his boots. At the sound of the sigh, the king turned and queried Peter "You heard we are having a banquet why are you still standing here, get busy!" Peter knew better than to protest and quickly bowed replied, "Yes my lord," and quickly scurried backward until he could turn and run to his kitchen. Shortly thereafter there was the sound of pots and pans being thrown and bouncing off the wall. Imprecations were here being shouted followed by silence and then a flurry of activity.

Before the King could bellow again the Seneschal showed up looking as if he had just finished his monthly bath. Will two casks of our best wine be enough Sire?" Gordón obsequiously.

"Well Gordón since you are a step ahead of me, I am sure you will have the Banquet Hall cleaned before the banquet. Don't forget my wife likes lavender and rosemary in her clean rushes." The king's matter of fact answer caused the Seneschal's shoulders to droop.  As the chagrined Seneschal slunk away with his tail between his legs, the King's Scribe finally arrived.

The King had a quick and quiet conversation with him, the scribe then hurried off to his scriptorium. Approximately twenty minutes later the scribe returned carefully carrying an inscribed piece of vellum followed closely by a page with a tray of sealing wax, sand, and ribbons. There was also a smelly pot of oak gall ink and a quill. The page set the tray down next to the King and then quickly made himself scarce. The scribe carefully laid the inscribed vellum in front of the King and then handed him the quill. Next, he very carefully set the ink pot next to the vellum where the King could reach it easily. With a flourish, the king affixed his signature to the message and waited 'patiently' while the scribe took the quill and then 'sanded' the message, and then recovered the 'sand' 'sand' (" The pounce or sand is gently sprinkled all over the writing on the paper. When using a quill or a steel nib, and with inks that are made up to match those typically in use during the 18th or 19th centuries, and provided the pen has been used with the fine strokes typical of handwriting of that period, the handwriting will be sufficiently dry within 10 seconds to allow the paper to be folded without blotting. Gently vibrating the paper whilst the pounce or sand is on it ensures that little or no pounce or sand sticks to the handwriting and excess sand or pounce is shaken off before folding the paper.<\/p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">In the 19th century, the pounce pots or sanders often had a shallow dish round the top so that pounce or sand could be returned to the pot and reused. The process is very effective for quickly drying ink, and although blotting paper has been available since Tudor times, pounce or sand continued to be used throughout the nineteenth century because it was often cheaper."). The scribe then melted the appropriate colours of wax onto the vellum directly below the Kings signature, counting slowly as the wax dripped drop by drop the King at the scribes utterance of "now," pressed his Signet RingSignet Ring (" In earlier times most nobles including Kings were illiterate and only scribes and priests were actually literate. So Signet Rings were used as signatures or to authenticate a scribe or priests signature as being the Kings or approved by the king. In some cases, the king just signed with the ubiquitous 'X' and then applied his Signet ring.") into the wax authenticating his signature. The scribe then carefully rolled up the vellum taking care not break the wax seal, and then tied the rolled up message with ribbons and then repeated the sealing process over a ribbon and the loose seam of the message. The King applied his signet ring again and then handed the now sealed message to a Royal Messenger that was quietly and 'patiently' waiting. The King quickly told the Royal Messenger where to deliver the message, the messenger 'predictably disappeared.''predictably disappeared.' ("TSL pays Str8mayb a quarter in royalties.") The King then took a large quaff of Barley Wine and then headed to his chamber to prepare for the celebratory banquet.

For such a short preparation time the banquet was a resounding success, lots of food, lots of Dark Brown Ale for those not seated at the High Table. For those seated at the High Table, there was lots of wine and some surreptitious Barley Wine for some. The strange thing is that there was no toast at the beginning of the banquet to announce the reason for the celebration. It wasn't until dinner was cleared and the fruit and cheese trenchers, along with more wine were brought out that the King stood to make a speech. The hall didn't quiet it just got noisier until one of the men-at-arms drained his drinking horn and then carefully uncapped the pointed end. He then placed that end to his lips and blew a long undulating note from his improvised trumpet throughout the banquet hall. As the note started fading away the King began to speak.

This afternoon I sent a request to the King Obstinato of Hypomnesia for his daughter to join us, to learn more about our kingdom and castle in preparation for her marriage to my son Crown Prince Maximus."

The complete and absolutely stunning words of the King nearly caused his wife and son to fall out their chairs. A few of the dinner guests did fall off their benches, soon their cries of "Why, How, and Why Now." The King had enough of the noise and the shouted questions, slammed his trencher down on the table and miraculously the hall went silent but enough that the guests could hear their neighbours.

"Shortly after each of us had been married King Obstinato and I swore an oath to each other that our first born would marry.  Maximus and Minima will marry and uphold the oath." The King then took his wife by the hand and exited to loud cheers.

Maximus stood up and prepared to exit, the hall "Maximus, Prince Maximus, Maximus", resounded through the hall until he thought the castle was going to collapse around his ears. Maximus gave a quick bow to the crowd and then left but not before he grabbed a scullery boy that he ordered to him to bring several flagons of Barley Wines to his rooms, so he could drown his shock and sorrow.    

Maxima and her escort arrived a fortnight and a half after the message was sent. She and her handmaidens were greeted by Maximus and the King and Queen. Maximus barely had time to hug his intended and give her a kiss on the cheek before his mother and her handmaidens swept her away. As they were leaving the courtyard, the Queen turned around to face her son and husband, and announced,

"You will see us at luncheon tomorrow and not before."

The King just bowed his head in acquiescence and replied,

"Yes Dear."

Maximus did the same only he substituted Mother for Dear, and under his breath muttered,

"Whatever you say, Mother."

Over the next several fortnights Maximus and Minima became close friends. They travelled back and forth between their kingdoms to let everyone get to know their future monarchs. Maximus's resolve not to marry minima was slowly being broken down by her warm and pleasant personality. She also liked riding with Maximus to the same spots in both kingdoms that were Maximus's favourites. Maximus felt himself slowly caving in to the inevitable and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. The very same day that Maximus said yes, (Not that it mattered as he was going to marry Minima as the parents' had decreed It.) the banns were posted on the gates to the castle by the Castle Chaplain. A message was sent and less than a fortnight later Minima's parents arrived. The wedding date was decided and it was to be two fortnights hence at the castle of Minima's parents. Minima and Maximus shared one more long horseback ride the evening before she left.

Maximus and his family left their castle a few days later and because of the number of carts and wagons, it looked like the family was leaving the kingdom for good. Maximus and his father's belongings fit into two small portmanteaus in the back storage area of the Royal Carriage. The carts and wagons were partially filled with provisions for the wedding celebration. However, most of them were filled with the Queen's clothing and personal items, that she just couldn't live without. There was also a wagon filled with just presents for the wedding, including a lot of embroideries created by Minima, the Queen, and the Queen's handmaidens.

Unfortunately for poor Maximus, he had overindulged with Barley Wine the night before they left. The sudden realization that his life was about to change dramatically and that he didn't have his best friend to help him through the change sent him spiralling into despair. So he tried to find relief at the bottom of several flagons of Barley Wine. When it was time for the family to leave Max was still in bed dead to the world. The King sent an armsman up to get Max downstairs, the sergeant took one look at Max, shook his head disgustedly and then stuck his head out the window and ordered some help upstairs. Two of his subordinates showed up a few minutes later and without any unnecessary orders roughly stripped the Prince of his bedclothes, the Sergeant threw a dry tunic over him. The armsmen then unceremoniously picked him up and carried him downstairs toward the nearest horse trough. Upon arriving at a horse trough they summarily dunked the Prince several times until he was sputtering coherently. He was then stood up and handed the tunic to dry off with. Luckily for Max, a page showed up with his travelling clothes. He started to remonstrate to the two armsmen and threaten them with Lèse-majesté. But just as he was opening his mouth to begin, a loud shout stilled the words in his throat,

"Don't you say a word, not a single word, we are already a candlemark past the time we said we were leaving thanks to your tardiness! Your mother is already in the carriage waiting. Now get dressed and get in the carriage or you can walk to your wedding for all I care!" With that, the King left the balcony that he had been haranguing his son from.

Not being a complete idiot, Max quickly got dressed. He had just finished dressing and had started toward the kitchen to grab something to break his fast. Unfortunately, for Max, the Sergeant of the Guard chose that moment to reappear with a scowl on his face and shaking his head vehemently NO! The Sergeant held two mugs in his hands and upon reaching Max handed him the mug from his right hand. He then told Max to drink it down every last drop at once! Max tried to object but one look at the Sergeant's glowering face convinced him otherwise. The Sergeants glowering face and glare were almost enough to cause Max to burst into flames.

"I said drink every drop of it. Either you drink it or I will pour the rest of it down your throat myself! Now, which is it?" The Sergeant roared out.

Max quickly downed the rest of the foul tasting and spicy concoction trying not to gag as he did. He had just removed the mug from his lips, when the Sergeant removed that mug from his hand and replaced it with the mug from his left hand.

"You can drink this one on the way to your carriage. If I were you I would work on my apology to your saintly mother on the way." With those words, the Sergeant handed the mug to the scullery maid that was waiting for it. He then took the loaf of bread stuffed with sausage and cheese form the scullery boy that had just appeared.

Max had started to ask where his was, but decided not to after getting glares from everyone around him, and seeing his father on the way to their carriage. Max quickly finished the second mug luckily for him was filled with Brown Ale; unlike the first one that was filled with a vinegary wine, raw eggs, lots of expensive pepper, chopped cabbage leaves and crushed garlic. He had recognized the awful taste of his father's preferred 'busthead' remedy.

Max reached the carriage and very carefully climbed in with the help of a footman. He then spent the two candlemarks profusely apologizing to his mother. Meanwhile, his father sat there stoic faced, while inside he was secretly chortling at his son's misery and his attempt to pacify his wife.

Unfortunately, for the two males involved the Queen finally accepted Max's grovelling and then began regaling her captive audience with all of the minute details of the wedding, the celebratory banquet, and everything else that she and Minima had planned. The queen could drone on and on for hours, luckily for Max, the wine, ale, lack of sleep, and the rocking motion of the warm carriage lulled Max into sleep. Soon his snoring began to resonate through the carriage. The King having planned ahead for just for just this scenario reached into a small storage space in the side of the carriage. He then withdrew a small flagon and two drinking vessels. The King then carefully opened the flagon and poured a goodly amount from the flagon into one of the vessels, and handed it to his wife. He then just as carefully poured a much smaller amount into the other vessel. He then replaced the flagon into its storage spot. Turning then to his wife he raised his drinking vessel and toasted,

"To Maximus and Minima, may they have a long and happy life together!"

The King then took a very small sip of the fortified wine that had been lightly sweetened with honey.

The Queen, on the other hand, found the slightly sweet wine to her taste and within minutes had drained her drinking vessel. Between the potency of the fortified wine, the heat inside the carriage; she was suddenly very relaxed and a few minutes later the rocking motion of their carriage had lulled her to sleep and her light snoring soon joined her son.

The King replaced both drinking vessels while softly whispering,

"Thank you, Abbot, the fortified wine worked just as you said it would."

The remainder of the ride to the Castle of Hypomnesia was absolutely torturous for Max and his father, as they were stuck in the carriage with the Queen for the majority of the trip. The Queen was taking full and complete advantage of having her husband and son as a captive audience. The only solace that the men received was the few times that the Queen decided that she wanted to do some embroidery with her handmaidens. Max and his father took advantage of those few times and went hunting although they probably imbibed more Dark Brown Ale than actually hunted, however, they did bring in a rabbit or two and a few grouse. Just enough to make luncheons more interesting. The nights were spent at Inns along the way, however, Max had to stay with his parent's except at bedtime and then unlike his father he got a few hours of peace away from his mother.

The arrival at the Castle of Hypomnesia was eagerly greeted by the three occupants of the Royal Carriage and to the Queen's confusion, her husband was just as excited as her son. What she didn't know is that they were both excited for the same reason escape from her. The King was looking forward to drinking and carousing with his friend Obstinato under the guise of hunting and discussing import Kingdom governing details. Max was looking forward to the same thing along with long horseback rides with Minima, assuming that both queens would let Minima out of their sight. Although Max still missed Minimus he was beginning to miss, Minima even more.

The next several days before the wedding were extremely hectic for all concerned, the menfolk were constantly trying to escape the women and get out of the castle. However, the women were wise to all of their tricks and the menfolk always seemed to find one of the Queens' or Minima's handmaidens waiting for them at every exit of the castle. What the men didn't seem to realize was the fact that if they had given just a little time to the wedding preparations they would have had a lot of time to spend together as they wished. Because of their lack of foresight Max only got to see Minima at the meals they shared with the parents. If both Max and Minima had been able to have even five minutes in private, the wedding would never have happened. Both Max and Minima were completely fed up with all of the preparations and their complete lack of privacy. They were both thinking that they should just sneak out of the Castle and get married by a monk in a small forest chapel somewhere. Fortunately or unfortunately according to whom you asked it was now the morning of the wedding. Max was absolutely exhausted and muddle-headed as he had imbibed a good share of the Kingdom of Hypomnesia's prized Vynö Zângyöveze Vynö Zângyöveze ( Vino Sangiovese ) and then just as he was heading to bed his future father-in-law waylaid him and then informed him that there was an olde family tradition that the groom would spend the night in the Family's Chapel alone with Castle Chaplain in contemplation of the new life that he and his intended were about to embark on. So not only was Max's head muddled because of all of the wine that he had imbibed the evening before but also the lack of sleep. Because of those circumstances, Max was extremely compliant to the wishes and orders of both sets of parents. He ate breakfast but had no recollection of it and he vaguely remembered someone bathing him and then a valet assisting him into his wedding finery. He did have very not so nice memories of someone giving him a steaming mug of something that was guaranteed to clear the cobwebs from his muddled head. He took a small cautious sip and the taste was revolting. It tasted like sweet very burnt toast in water; the mug was forced to his lips and under duress drank the rest of the horrible concoction. After he had drunk the last drop (definitely not 'Good to the last drop' ©) he was informed that it was made of roasted acorns, wheat, and barley, and then boiled into a sludge and then a dollop of honey was added. Max silently swore never to touch a drop of spirits of any kind ever again!

The time for the wedding had arrived and Max was standing in front of the altar with his father Accomodato at his side, the two Queens standing together just off to the side. King Obstinato had just joined Max and his father when a page came up to King Obsinato bowed and then whispered into the King's ear and then scurried away. King Obstinato then turned to King Accomodato and in a whisper that was very conspiratory reminded the King Accomodato that the marriage was between their firstborns. Before Max's father could respond, King Obstinato stepped forward and up one step and then turned to the audience in the Castle's Chapel and began announcing,

"Family, friends, and guests it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that my sweet, wonderful daughter Minima tripped on her train as she was making her way downstairs. She injured her leg and ankle so severely she will not be able to attend her own wedding!" The King had to pause for a few moments to let the shouts and muttered comments die down enough so he could continue.

"However, not all is ended, under the laws of our Kingdom I will have her standin here in just a few moments, and as our Castle Chaplain is new to our service and does not know the revised wedding protocol I will perform the wedding myself. Also as is the standin will be veiled as the bride normally is and unlike the bride, the standin will be silent until it is time for the standin to speak." Once the King had finished his speech he then waved to someone in the back of the chapel. Once that was completed he made his way to the dais and then faced the expectant audience.

Moments later to a trumpet flourish the heavily veiled standin entered and headed to where Max was waiting. Immediately King Obstinato directed all of his attention to Maximus and Minima's standin.

Meanwhile, King Accomodato was staring at his old friend completely perplexed at the message he had been given a few moments before. However, he had to push that thought aside as his friend had begun intoning the wedding ceremony.

"Family, friends, and guests, we are here today to secure the succession and heirship of not one Kingdom but two, and while doing so bringing two disconsolate souls together in matrimony so that they can have the life they have always dreamed of. Crown Prince Maximus of Oblivion, please take the left hand of your intended and Crown Princess Minima's standin please take the right hand of her intended. Now after I have finished my question please say 'We Do' and then Crown Prince Maximus you may lift the veil and kiss your wedded soulmate."

There were some whispered comments about the slight changes in the word of the King's announcement. However, King Obstinato plowed ahead as he had heard nothing.

"I am going to cut to the heart of the matter in order that I can attend to my injured daughter. Crown Prince Maximus of Oblivion do you choose to wed your soulmate Crown Prince Minimus of Hypomnesia as your wedded spouse, and Crown..." Whatever else the King was going to say was obliterated by the extremely exuberant and joyous,

"We DO!" From Maximus and Minimus.

"By the laws of the Kingdom of Hypomnesia, I declared you married!"

 

The End

Epilogue:

As King Obstinato and his Queen headed to Minima's quarters they were stopped by one of Minima's handmaidens in tears and severely distraught and bowing,

"Your Majesties, Minima is gone and her quarters are empty, there is nothing there it is as if she never existed!"

The two Princes lived happily ever after and ruled both Kingdoms until the sun set forever.

 

Author's Notes:

Well, I hope that you enjoyed my twisted take on Cupid's Tale, I had a lot of fun writing it. Before you ask this is really,

The End

TSL

All praise, kudos and even complaints are gratefully accepted at The Story Lover.

The Radio Ranchers Rant:

I am very glad to see that the princes were able to wed their beloved soul mates. It's nice to see that Cupid took his job seriously and didn't let foolish parents screw things up too much.

As I almost always say, it would be nice to look in on them sometime down the road of life and see what happens to them, but then TSL would have to kill me, since I have done that to him so many times before. Grin.

Darryl AKA The Radio Rancher

Author's Response:

For the thousandth time NO!

A Grinning TSL