Out Of The Past

With it went my world.

Totally and completely in an instant. 

I could feel Eric trying to get me to let go of Sammy, but I couldn't. 

I couldn't think, I couldn't feel, I couldn't even breathe, as the pain exploded in my chest, and then throughout my body. 

If it had been anyone but Eric, I would have struck out and hit them, but Eric was part of me, and where no one else could have, he reached me, as he said,

"Mike, Mike, you have to let the medics in," gently pulling Sammy from my grasp.

Because it was Eric, I let him go, and watched as the medics took him from me, but everything became a haze then, as when I let Sammy go, my sanity went with him.

I could hear Eric saying something to me, as he helped me to my feet, but all I could mumble was "no" over and over again.

The trinity was saying something, but I didn't hear them. 

I didn't hear anything.

It was all a fog; my world was gone, with the light from a little boy's eyes. 

There was only one thing left, as the fog was replaced by a blinding rage in an instant, just like moments ago that obliterated everything else.

I looked up and searched for what I needed to find. 

I found it, as they were leading him away, and I started towards them with one thought on my mind.

I could hear the trinity crying out and Eric calling me, but I didn't care anymore, there was only one thing left to do,

As I approached them, I reached down and my weapon cleared leather, as I brought it up towards firing position,

I could hear Eric.

"Mike, no don't," but it was too late, I didn't care anymore, this son of a bitch was going to pay.

I was a good shot, very good.

As my gun reached firing position and I took my shooting stance, everything narrowed down to what was before me, while everything else disappeared from existence.

The deputies had turned at Eric's scream, but appeared frozen in shock at the sight which presented itself, as the target I was looking for started screaming in fear.

"You killed my son," I said to him "and you're going to die for taking him from me." I told him in a deadly calm voice, which belied the turmoil inside of me.

My finger was on the trigger, and I could hear Eric screaming at me, but I didn't listen, there was only me and the boy, as my finger started to tighten on it.

The boy was going to die, and nothing could stop that. 

Eric was too far away and the deputies hadn't reacted fast enough.

"Daddy."

With that one two syllable word filled with pain, fear and desperation, love and longing, time slowed to almost nothing, and when I turned my head and looked into his eyes, the world came to a complete stop.

Where nothing could stop it, where no one could be heard, where nothing mattered anymore, where my world had ended moments before, one six year old boy, with one single solitary word, filled with all the hope, pain, and love imaginable that was within his small frame, did stop it, I did hear it and it did matter. 

My world started again, where I hadn't thought it possible.

"Daddy," he said again as my arm fell to my side, and the gun fell from, suddenly limp, fingers, to clatter to the floor.

Then he was running to me, still looking into my eyes, and I was collapsing to the ground, where we met, with him throwing his arms around my neck, and me holding on for dear life, as I felt the rage leave as quickly as it had come. 

"Daddy," he said again, as he cried into my chest, and I cried into the top of his head, the rage replaced now with an aching void.

This little boy, had just saved my soul, and my mind, but most importantly my heart, with one word.

Never let anyone tell you that words don't have power, for with that one word, this small fragile creature in my arms, had managed to change history, and give me back that which I thought gone forever, along with my Sammy.

I don't know how long we sat there, as my heart filled once again with love, but that child gave it to me, he and the trinity, who had joined us, and were all crying, along with us, over our son and brother. 

I drank in the love like a vampire would sustenance, as the parts that had frozen thawed slowly, and began to warm once again, spreading life back into me.

There was still an enormous hole, and always would be, but their love was keeping me anchored, as nothing else could have done. 

I don't think there are words to describe what a child's love can accomplish but that little boy and my three other ones gave me back my life that afternoon when I thought it was truly ended. Much like Sammy had done three years earlier, they filled an emptiness in me that this time, I was only too aware of. Peter and the trinity saved me as only they could have.

************Eric*************

The last little while had been the hardest for me, since Melissa had died, maybe even harder, because it was a child who was lost. 

A child who I loved as much as my own, belonging to someone else, whom I also loved. 

Watching as Sammy had collapsed into Mike's arms, and then as the light faded from his oh so bright eyes, had me nearly in the state that Mike was in, until I realized that he would need me, and my boys would need me, now more than ever. It didn't make it any easier, but it did give me something to focus on, besides the yawning pit that was growing within me. It didn't stop the tears or the pain though, I wished it had, at least for a little while, but it didn't.

Sammy had so changed Mike's life, and ours, that it was impossible to explain what this little ball of energy and love meant to us, but most especially Mike.

You could see his soul finally filled when he came home with this precocious little thing, who seemed so sure of himself, yet so unsure at the same time. 

It was easy to see that he already had Mike wrapped around his little finger, but the funny thing was that unlike most children, he never tried to take advantage of it, overly much, and oh he certainly could have.

He never did.

Oh Sammy

I could feel the tears running down my face, and I made no effort to wipe them away. 

Losing such a soul as Sammy deserved them, and more.

I tried so hard to stop the bleeding but he had lost so much, that it I guess it was futile. The paramedics finally arrived as the light dimmed in his eyes, and left a darkness in the world where a light had shown so brightly before.

I called Mike over and over again, but he was so lost in his pain, that he didn't hear me, as I tried to get Sammy from his arms, and give him to the medics. 

I honestly think that he would have become violent, if it hadn't been me there, at that moment. I could feel him tense and then relax, suddenly releasing the love of his life, into my hands, ever so reluctantly.

I held him to me for a second, before giving him to the patiently waiting paramedics, who started working on him anyway, as I helped Mike to his feet.

There was a boy in a wheelchair sitting there, and looking devastated, with tears running down his face, and I started towards him, to see if he was alright while I could hear the boys trying to talk to Mike.

I was almost around to him, when I heard Kevin and the others call out "DAD, stop him." and I turned to find Mike walking away.

What was he doing?

I called out, "Mike, where are you going?" but got no response. 

"Mike?" and then Randy said "dad you got to stop him," as I looked where Mike was headed, and fear clutched my chest, in an iron fist.

That little shit was being led away and Mike was heading towards him.

I couldn't care less, if the little fuck died, but it would destroy Mike if he wasn't already. 

I watched in horror, as his hand went down and he pulled his Sig from its holster, starting to bring it up,

"DAD!" came from three voices as I took off towards Mike screaming. 

"Mike, NO DON'T!!!" But it was like he didn't hear me, he didn't even twitch.

I knew I couldn't get to him in time, and I wasn't about to shoot him.

The horror continued as I watched his arm come up to a firing position, while taking a classic shooters stance. 

Mike was a good shot, a very good shot, and he wouldn't miss from this distance.

Then I heard his next words, and they chilled me to the bone, they were so cold and devoid of any feeling. 

"You killed my son, and you're going to die for taking him from me."

And I knew beyond doubt, upon hearing them, that someone was about to die.

Mike's voice had scared me shitless, as nothing else had done today, and I began screaming.

"Mike, don't do it, for God's sake!!!!!! Sammy wouldn't want this, don't!!" but I knew it was a futile gesture, and nothing was going to stop this. 

This boy, who had so callously taken a young boy's life, minutes before, was going to forfeit his, to the father of that boy's rage, and more to his pain, hurt and loss.

And there was absolutely nothing I or anyone could do about it. 

Then, from out of nowhere, a small voice said one word, that to anyone hearing it would bring instant tears, and pain, as my breath caught in my throat at hearing it.

"Daddy"

Watching as I could see Mike beginning to pull the trigger, I saw that word, and all the love and need, contained in the young boy's cry, hit him like a bolt of lightning, as he jerked and moved his head, to look the young boy in the eyes.

Time was frozen, and it seemed like I was watching life stir once more, in a black pit which his eyes had become, and I watched in awe, and wonder, at what one softly spoken word had accomplished.

"Daddy," the boy said again, and I was sure of it, as Mike's arm fell to his side, and his weapon clattered from, suddenly numb, fingers.

I watched the power of love prevail, where nothing else could have, a child's love. Peter's love.

Peter took off running and Mike collapsed where he was, with the boy launching himself into Mike's arms, and Mile grabbing hold of the boy, as if he was a life preserver and holding on for dear life.

I didn't know how true that thought was until later as I watched both of them cry, for their pain and loss, and heard Peter say again, "daddy," as the dam broke and they were lost in each other. 

Then my three came over, watching all the while, with tears running down their faces, as they came to me, and wrapped their arms around me, for a hug, before surprising me by letting go and saying 

"Uncle Mike needs us." and walking over to join the huddled mass of grief, sitting there all alone on the floor.

I stood there watching for a few minutes, as this man's soul was saved, by four little boys, with pure love pouring out of them, to try to fill some of the void, which existed in him.

People talk about the power of love, but I was witnessing it as it saved this man, who was so much a part of my family. 

The tears had never stopped for me and were still there, when the paramedic came over and told me. 

I couldn't believe it but he said it happened just as Mike had dropped the gun, and fell into Peter's waiting arms. 

I was completely stunned, but contacted dispatch, and made the necessary notifications, somehow.

How? 

I didn't know but I had to tell him

"Mike, Mike," I walked over and knelt down calling, but it was like talking to someone who was deaf, but I kept at it, he had to be told

"Mike."

**************Mike*****************

Somewhere in our solitary existence, where nothing mattered except each other, a voice intruded.

I tried to ignore it, soaking in my son's arms, and love, feeling his body against mine, smelling the freshness in his hair and body, and just loving him with everything in my being, for saving me, but the voice became more insistent, and finally resolved itself into Eric.

Again I don't think anyone else could have gotten through to me at that point, but it was Eric. 

Slowly, with his voice intruding, and eventually realizing that he was calling my name, and had his hand on my shoulder, gently kneading it, as he called to me to come back to him, I did.

I looked blearily up at him, trying to focus through the pain, and guilt that was washing over me, in waves only staying sane because of four boys' love. 

"Mike, Mike"

"Huh?" 

"Mike he's back" Eric said

My mind couldn't process it "back?"

"Mike they got him back." he said again.

"What?"

"Mike listen to me, they got him back."

I was shaking my head it didn't make any sense. "Who...what?" I said rather incoherently.

"Mike they got Sammy back, the medics got him back."

"Sammy?" I said stupidly not processing it.

"Mike they got Sammy back, just now, they got him back."

I just looked at him blankly, "Sam...Sammy is..." 

"NO, Mike listen to me, he's alive, they got him back. Do you hear me? He's alive, Mike."

I just shook my head again saying "alive."

"Yes, alive, Mike, he's alive." Eric said again trying to penetrate thickness that surrounded me.

"But..."

"Mike, please, they got him back, he's lost a lot of blood, but he isn't dead, HE'S ALIVE!"

and with that it broke through and somehow I found that I still had tears to cry, as I broke down once again, only this time holding Eric to me, along with the others.

Oh sweet Jesus, he's alive.

I had lost my world and found it once again, with my remaining children, and now found I had him again.

It was too much, too fast, and I felt myself swimming before everything went dim and finally black, with one thought going through my mind,

Sammy was alive.

*****************Eric*******************

I kept trying to get through to him and he finally looked up at me with such a lost look in his eyes, that it broke my heart all over again, for him.

I kept telling him until finally I screamed.

"Mike please they got him back, he's lost a lot of blood but he isn't dead, HE'S ALIVE!" with desperation to get through to him in my voice, pleading with him to listen to me.

I could see the realization sink in, and watched as his tears started anew. 

I was amazed he had any left, but found myself crying along with him, as he pulled me to him, and I hugged him to me.

I could hear Danny cry "dad" as I felt Mike go limp in our arms 

"Shit"

I gently lowered him to the ground, and called him softly, as Peter looked at me and asked,

"Is my daddy going to be ok?" 

I looked at him and told him, "I think so, little one, I just think all this has been too much for him."

We watched as Mike lay there unmoving, and I got up, telling the boys, "I'll be right back," running over to the paramedics, who were still working on Sammy.

I stopped as I got up to them, and asked, very scared of the answer, "how is he?"

One of the medics looked up at me and said "I don't know how, but he's fighting, and still with us. I didn't think we were going get him back there but..." his voice tapered off as he just shook his head.

"I think he's going to make it, the little devil just won't give up." he finally said, as he went back to work.

"Can I have an ammonia ampoule?" I asked and he reached into the trauma box handing me one.

"Thanks," I said as I looked at Sammy for a moment more, before softly saying "keep fighting munchkin, he can't lose you again, none of us can," as tears came to my eyes again.

Damn

I went back to Mike and knelt down, popping the ampoule, holding it under his nose, which got immediate results, as his head started thrashing, and he put up his arm to push me away.

I moved it back and waited, as he began to focus finally, looking up at the boys, and finally, me.

The look in his eyes spoke more than any words could possibly have done, 

Was it true, was the question with so much more, including that he couldn't take it if it wasn't. Hell I don't think any of us could.

I simply said "yes."

******************Mike***********************

Uhhhh

God, what was that, it burns was my first thought, as I swam back to consciousness.

I opened my eyes, and then it all came rushing back, causing me to gasp, as I looked at the boys staring down at me, with concern written on their faces, before turning to Eric.

I didn't have to say anything, as I just looked at him, with the one burning question in me,

Was it true?

I started to breathe again when he said simply "yes."

"I've got to..." I started to say, but Eric knew and said, "Come on I think they are about ready to go."

Then he reached down and helped me up.

With him there, and the boys wrapping themselves around me, holding me up, I made my way over to my Sam.

He looked so pale, and there was so much blood, as they loaded him on the gurney, to transport him to hospital, that I sucked in my breath again, but was reassured by the steady "beep, beep, beep" of the heart monitor.

The medic looked up at us, Eric quickly said, "this is Sammy's father." 

"Well you have quite the fighter there, I think he's going to be fine now."

"Thank you," I told him with all the feeling in me, in those two words.

"We're ready to go," he said.

"Ok, all intersections from here to Memorial have been blocked," Eric told him, and they acknowledged it as they started wheeling him out of the store.

I started to follow when I noticed once again the boy in the wheelchair sitting back against the wall, staring at Sammy, as he was wheeled away.

I wanted to go with Sammy, but something stopped me, and instead I went over to the boy.

As I approached he got a frightened look on his face, and as I came up and knelt down he said so softly I could barely hear,

"I'm sorry, really sorry." 

He looked to be about Sammy's age maybe a little less, with dirty blond hair, and gorgeous blue eyes, that were filled with tears.

"What for, honey?" I asked, just as softly and I could feel the boys surrounding us now.

"It's my fault, it's all my fault." he said.

I looked at the boys around me before looking back at the boy.

"Why do you think its all your fault, little one?"

He didn't answer me, and I repeated "why honey?"

He looked down and said in an almost mumble "cause,"

I decided to take a different tack and asked "what is your name honey?"

"Brian," he said.

"Well Brian, my name is Mike, and these are my babies here, Peter, Danny, Kevin and Randy, and the boy who was hurt is my son Sammy."

"I'm sorry." he repeated again as the tears that had been filling his eyes started to fall.

"I wish you'd tell me why, baby."

He looked up at me quickly, before his eyes returned to someplace on the floor, as he mumbled "you'll hate me."

"Well, I suppose that might be possible," I said, which caused his head to jerk up where I wanted it, as I continued, "but the problem is that I could never hate a child, no matter what," I told him, as he gazed deeply into my eyes, searching for the truth of my statement.

"He got hurt because of me," Brian told me bluntly, which caused me to take in a sharp breath, but I didn't break eye contact with him, as I said,

"How, sweetheart?" 

"I...I...." and then he looked down again as I gently reached up and grasped his chin, lifting his face upward, so I could see his eyes.

I began gently caressing his cheek, as I said, "its ok," not letting him look down, simply by not letting go. 

He once again looked into my eyes, to search for the truth of it, before continuing, this time not breaking his gaze from mine.

"I had to go to the bathroom and when I went in, they were there." he said, pausing, and he didn't have to say who 'they' were.

"I...it...I mean..." 

"It's ok" I repeated, as I could tell something about this, was really hard for him, beyond whatever happened to Sammy.

He took a deep breath and went on slowly,

"Well when I have to go, I have to undo my pants, and stuff, and push them down while I'm in the chair," he paused again; as I could see he was embarrassed, but went on, "then I push myself up and grab onto the urinal, and go, and when I am finished, I sit back down and pull my pants back up." he told me

I could tell he was very embarrassed about telling us this, and tried to reassure him, "it's really ok, Brian, I don't mind and I do understand."

He just looked into my eyes again before continuing, "When I went they were there and they were all around me. They were teasing me, saying...saying things...b...be...because I took down my pants first...they said..." and stopped. 

I had a feeling I kind of knew where this was going, but waited anyway as he took a deep breath and continued,

"They said I must have wanted to show them my...my..." and stopped looking at me pleadingly. "Your penis." I said and he just nodded, "I couldn't wait any more," he softly added.

He tried to lower his head, but I wouldn't let him and I kept my eyes locked to his, as he went on.

"They...they were staring at...they were staring and saying things about..well...my thing and I tried to ignore them, but when I started to get up one of them...he...well...he..." and stopped again as his face got red.

I wondered now if they had sexually assaulted him, and had to ask, "did anyone of them do..." but he interrupted quickly, in embarrassment I think and said, "no, no they didn't do thaaaat,, but one of them grabbed my...my thing." 

"Don't be ashamed because of what they did Brian," I told him forcefully, and that brought his eyes back to mine as I continued caressing his cheek, gently.

The tears started again, as he said "you don't understand...when he grabbed me...well...it..."

"Got hard." I said

He wouldn't look at me again and his face was now bright red, as his head nodded.

"I didn't want it to but..." he cried softly, as I gently pulled him into me and hugged him.

"Its ok, its ok." I told him over and over again, as he started talking with his head buried in my chest.

"He let it go and I went to the bathroom, but it was hard, and finally I had to sit back down, it wouldn't get soft, and they saw it. They started calling me a faggot, and a queer, and saying they were going to stick their...their things up my butt, because they knew I would like it. I pulled up my pants and moved back real fast, and they had to get out of the way, and it let me hit the button on the door and get outside but..." and he stopped again, as the sobs shook his body.

"Listen to me a minute." I said, as I felt him stiffen in my arms, but I wouldn't let go, as I continued, "Whether you got hard or not, whether you liked it when he touched you or not, whether you are gay or not, NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, has the right to touch you, if you don't want to be touched. Do you understand that?"

I felt him nod hesitantly, and I repeated, "Do you understand that?" This time I heard a "yea" so I told him "Good, because you didn't do anything wrong."

"But it got..." he started to say, 

"Brian," as I pushed him away so I could look in his eyes, "did you ask any of those boys to play with your dick?" I asked him bluntly, as he got a look of shock on his face saying, 

"n...nn...NO!"

"Then I'll say it again, it doesn't matter, if you liked it or not, it doesn't matter if it felt good or not, it doesn't matter if it got hard as steel, they did NOT have the right to touch you. PERIOD!"

He just looked at me again then said, "but what if I...if I am..." but I interrupted and said, "Then you are, but it doesn't mean you wanted what they did to happen."

He was shocked, I could tell, but then he continued,

"I got outside but they grabbed my wheelchair and said they weren't finished and were trying to wheel me back inside. I was trying to keep them from doing it but one of them hit me in the head and the other punched me in my stomach, and they said they were going to have fun with me. The one with the knife was rubbing the front of his pants, where his thing was, and you could see it was hard. I was so scared."

Then he was looking into my eyes again, as he said, "Then he came and saved Me." causing me to suck in my breath, as I moaned one word,

"Sammy."

"Yea, he saved me from them," and broke down into tears again.

Only this time he wasn't alone.

Oh Sammy, you sweet brave foolish child, I thought as I joined his tears,

"He came up and told them to leave me alone, but they started calling him names, and saying he must be my boyfriend, or something."

"He really pissed them off, by saying 'what if I am?" to them. They didn't like that. One of them tried to hit him, but he did something so fast that the boy was on the ground before I knew what happened. That really pissed the one with the knife off, and he pulled it out and tried...well I guess he did cut Sammy with it, and then the other three showed up, and kicked the other one's ass. Sammy was trying to keep the one with the knife away from me when you showed up and..."

There wasn't anything else to say, I knew the rest, but he did anyway "he saved me, he didn't even know me and he saved me." then I had an armful of boy in my arms, and he was out of his chair and both of us were on the floor and I felt us, surrounded by the trinity, as we all held the sobbing child in our arms, while the trinity held me.

Finally, Eric's voice penetrated our group saying, "We should get to the hospital, Mike."

"Yes, we have to get to Sammy, when he is better I am going to kill him myself."

This brought three sets of eyes to bear on me as they weren't sure if I was kidding or not. 

It's hard to answer that as I didn't know myself, at that point. 

"Nah you'll just hug him to death and never want to let go," Eric said kindly

"Yea," I said as I took a deep breath, he was right. 

I got up with the boy in my arms and he asked "can I come too, please?"

I looked at him and in an instant said "yes you can, he was really worried about you," don't ask me why, but it was somehow important.

Eric gave me a funny look, but didn't say anything, as I set the boy back in the wheelchair. 

Surprisingly, the boys scampered over and started pushing Brian, before either Eric or I could get to it. 

I started walking, when Eric said, 

"Mike," softly and I turned to find him holding out my service weapon to me,

I just stared at it.

"Eric I..."

"You didn't."

"But..."

"Mike, you didn't and that's what counts."

I wasn't so sure about that, but finally I reached out and took it from his hand, staring at it for a moment, before securing it back in its holster.

Eric had no idea just how close it had been. 

One word.

We went out to the unit, and I got the boy settled in the front seat, while Eric put the wheelchair in the back. All three of the others crawled into my unit, and Eric went and got into his, and we were off.

I could hear Eric advise dispatch that we were both rolling code to Memorial, but was surprised at the response that came back.

"100 Charles 10-4 advise 41 Sam that we are all praying for Sammy, and that we love him."

As we pulled out from the curb, and I turned on the lights and sirens, I could feel the tears running silently down my face, as I keyed the mic and said,

"41 Sam 10-4 and thank you, and thank you from 41 Sam Boy, as well."

I felt the sobs come again as I released the mic, and felt 4 hands reach out and touch me, as I headed to my Sammy.